Dear mom, again.

Dear mom,
I had to do everything for college by myself. Every scholarship attempt every application, everything. The fafsa I did by myself, the interview, I did by myself. I drove to the town for the orientation, by myself. Do you know how painful that was? I had no support from you at all. Until Grandma and Grandpa stepped in and helped me I had no support at all. Nothing. Not once have you helped in college. You always sent someone else to come get me from the town for breaks. You didn't once care about it.
Now my sister is getting ready for college, applying for colleges and scholarships and the Fafsa. You did it for her. You helped her apply for the colleges, you helped her with the scholarships. You did her Fafsa for her when I could barely get your time of day to get your information. She just got a chance at a full ride scholarship at my college and you are doing everything to help her again. She goes for an interview on the third of February. Guess who is going with her? I had to go there. by. my. self. I understand different kids need different help but why?
Why couldn't I get your help even once? Why wouldn't you be proud of me? Why am I the fuck up? All I've ever done is worked my ass off to keep you happy. And you don't care. I don't even know why it surprises me anymore .I don't know why it hurts still. You wont ever care. You never have. So, dear mom, I am moving to Japan in the near foreseeable future, and I don't see you in my future after I move there. We will never speak again.
Sincerely,
The child you say you wanted but you didn't. 

Dear Mom.

Dear mom,
Did you know that I've watched you since I was born? I've loved you, even when I was getting punished for things I didn't do. I've always come crying to you and needed you in times when I was weak. Did you know, even when I was little and avoiding you, I still missed you terribly? Did you know I saw everything... including the favoritism.
Mom I love you. So much. Which is why it hurts. I know that. I can see it, she can see it, so can he. We all see it. All three siblings. We all see the way you look at my sister. The way you glow with pride at her. But my brother is the fuck up and I'm the mistake. Mom we all see it. We hear the way you say you love us. We know you do. But we also know you love her the most.
I know you say you wanted me. But I also know you hate my father. Why wouldn't you? he almost killed you, threw you in an asylum and almost killed me. But. Mom I know that you harbor resentment towards me because of him. I can see that too. You say it isn't there but I know that isn't true. You tell me all the time how great I am, when I'm crying. But you just attack me every time I try. You only ever see my failures unless I'm in tears. Do you know how much it hurts, to know I'm never going to make you proud? Do you know how much it burns me to realize my sister can do no wrong while I can do no right? I used to be the best at art of your kids. The thing we had in common, we shared it and loved it. But my sister became better. She could sing, and dance, and cook and clean and do pretty much everything. Her grades were great her work ethic spotless her body figure was perfect. There was not a flaw with my sister. While I had nothing but. My grades were crap, my work ethic iffy and my ability to cook non existent. I can always see it. When you smile at her. And when you punish 'us' its really just me.
You may not remember it mom. But I do, quiet well. When we got into a fight, my sister and I. You had walked in the door after a long day of work and you were already mad. SO you decided to yell at 'both of us'. You spent no less than twenty minutes, my brothers friend watched the clock, yelling at me. Yelling at how great my sister is and how I should be nice to her. Yelling at what an ungrateful brat I am and how much of a jerk and all the things you could think to find wrong with me. You yelled for no less than twenty minutes. And when you were done you looked at my sister. And you did not yell. You looked her dead in the face and said 'if you have a problem with your sister come to me. If your sister does something to you. Come to me." That was all you said to her. And you walked away. She had started the fight, she was an equal part of it. But you did not yell at her. Yes mom I noticed. I noticed when you had me do not only my dishes but hers and our brothers as well. I noticed when I was cleaning all of our rooms, taking care of all of our pets, doing all of our laundry. I noticed when you ignored me and took them to the movies. I noticed when I got punished for things they did. I noticed when you did not care that I was hurt but when anything small happened to her you lost your mind. I noticed when my punishments were always more extreme than theirs. I noticed it all. Every time you babied her and made me do the same thing you did for her by myself. I noticed everything.
But mom I still love you. And that is what hurts the most. I love you so much and I hate seeing you in tears and i hate seeing you hurt and I never want to hurt you. I could never hurt you. And that is what hurts the most. That I know... that I love you. That I can't live without you. That I don't want to see you die. That I cant stand the idea of not having you in my life. I feel the pain. Constantly. But I love you. Despite how much you don't want me. Despite how little you care that I exist or when I'm hurt. Despite how much you think of me as a disappointment. I can't hate you and I can't just walk away from you. I want to so bad and I can't.
Dear mom, you are the reason I am insecure. But I love you
Sincerely,
Your child who is always watching.