Friday, March 31, 2017

Dear Liberals

Dear Liberals,

I am a white, low income, Christian College student. Yes. I am. I am also Bi-sexual and Gender fluid as all hell. And I lean towards the Conservative Right with my views. I do not judge you for your views. I actually find your sweet and innocent views refreshing. However, they are just that, innocent. You work and operate under the assumption that everyone thinks and works like you. That if you just shove your views down everyone else's throat that the world will be a great place. That violence is only okay if it is for YOUR causes. And that is where I get upset. You're wrong.
I wish your world where there was no racism, no class difference, no war and no hate was real. Yet it isn't. And it never will be. Why? Because the reality is; human's aren't perfect. I am not saying I hate the people in the middle east and the ones on the No Fly list. I am simply saying that I don't trust them. The simple fact of the matter is I like my way of life, just like those and theirs like theirs. If they did not why would they be so against American intervention? Seriously? Don't tell me it is not true because it is. If they wanted the reform they would work WITH us to fix it. Yet Marine's and other soldiers are aware that if they leave their base alone the likely hood of them being tortured and killed are real. That their lives are at stake the second they leave their base, and even on it.
What makes me mad is that you want to allow people who hate America into our country. I am aware that not all of those people in those countries hate America. That has indeed crossed my mind. But what Also crossed my mind was the fact that those people should fight for their own freedom. If they don't like their country they should not leave. They should stay and fight to fix it, as you are fighting to fix your own. That is how you fix a country. You are exercising that exact model by sitting and bitching at me instead of leaving the country because you're un-happy. They should stand up and fight for themselves. If they would stop protecting the Radicals do you know how much faster the war could end?
They live in fear. I know this. Of course I do. I bet they are constantly threatened. Yet there is power in numbers. How often were we told that as a child? If you don't like something change it. And on that same note, that is what the Radicals are doing. They don't like us. So they are trying to fix us, by eradicating us. So Dear Liberals, I really love that you're trying to see everyone in a positive light but the reality is we are in a war and that we can't let our Enemies in just because we want to see the best in them and we feel bad for them. That is like presenting your back and asking to be stabbed. Every thing in nature screams at how stupid that is. Literally everything. It isn't natural to turn your backs on your enemies , or to under estimate them. At the end of the day if I'm choosing my own vs them, I'm always going to choose my people.

Someone who is tired of being called Narrow minded because I'm not seeing the world through rose colored glasses. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Why can't you trust? I know you don't. I know you were hurt in the past and we know all the problems you've had. We have rationalized with ourselves a million and ten times. So why can't you trust? You know you're fine. You know everyone is different. You have searched over things and realized you'll probably get hurt but all hurt fades. Except the eternal winter that you've put yourself in because you refuse to trust. So why won't you trust?

Better yet self, why won't you allow people physical contact? I know we know that hugs release a sense of happiness in the person. We know that physical contact helps with depression and anxiety as well as other things. So why are you having a hard time having physical contact with others? Why won't you allow others to come close to you? Is it the trust again? It must be.

Even more. Self, why don't you let people see you? You put on a smile and make everyone laugh but you never let them close. Is that the trust issues again? Of course it is. You complain that no one understands you but you drown your own voice and hide away from everyone. You are only hurting yourself. So why?

Dear Self,
Stop hurting yourself

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,
If it wasn't for you, I would have been stuck with a terrible name that no one would be able to read. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have grown up with manners and support. If you weren't around, I would have been fending for myself most of the time and probably have had a lot more trust issues than I do.
Grandma. You kept me safe when no one else would. You took care of me when my mother couldn't and helped me become a respectable adult. You punished me when I needed it, supported me, cared for me, loved me and most of all believed in me. You were always there for me grandma. The thought that you are getting old is killing me inside. The fact that I see you have a hard time moving makes me want to cry. All I want to do is make you proud. All I ever want to do is make you happy and make you smile. Your smile is like a ray of sunshine to me. I love you more than anyone else in this world. When the world turned its back on me, you hugged me close and helped me stand again. When I get neglected and forgotten you shine a light in my darkness and pull me from depression.
Grandma you are my rock. And the idea that I will soon be on my own, struggling against the world without you is killing me. I can barely breath while I write this. I know you're still here. You've always been there for me.
When I was little, you scared me. You were strict and always yelling at me. I was confused and scared. I had no idea why mom never wanted to spend time with me, why my brother didn't care and my grandfather didn't want me. Why my father wasn't around or why my only friend was a dog. I had no idea why my sister got to live a fantastic and rich life in Arizona, which is how it seemed to me at the time, and I didn't. Why you and I were always thrown together when we were clearly not getting along. I didn't understand. But I did understand one thing.
Every day. At noon for as long as my memory served you would watch sixty minutes, and after it was over, you would make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You gave up your living room for me to color and play in. You unplugged the Television in the summers and told me it was broken so I would play outside. You came to my sports games, when you hated sports, and every concert I was ever in. Every grade I graduated from you were there for me and you supported me. When I came home in tears you wiped them away and gave me comfort. When my mom was too busy trying to control my brother you were making sure I had everything I needed, maybe not what I wanted, but what I needed.
When I went to high school in a new town you supported me and even took in my dog because my mom wouldn't disregard her boyfriend and bring him even though we could. You were the one that held me and helped me when the dog I loved went missing a few months after the move. You were always there to set me straight and make sure I was fair to those around me. You taught me the importance of being nice.
When I graduated from high school you were the one who saw my outfit and smiled, even though the shirt had cussing and obscene comments on it and my makeup was outlandish. You were the one that supported me through all my mistakes, all my blunders and everything I've done. You've always been straight with me, helping me when I needed it and scolding me as well. You made me remember that my mother had her own stuff going on and that I shouldn't hate her. You kept the family together and were always there for everyone who needed you.
Grandma you were the reason I went to college. You wanted me to go to please my mother, but you sent me and I went because you wanted me to go. When I said I wanted to move to Japan, for good, to cut ties with my mother, you were the one who wanted to cry, I could see it. You didn't tell me no, however. You made me think about it realistically and make sure I knew what I was doing. You were always there, even when you didn't want me to go. When I went to college you missed me. And I missed you. I miss you. Every day. I sit in college now, and I call you as much as I can because I miss you so much. I miss your house and your hugs. The cookies you baked and the cocoa you gave me when I came in from snowmobiling. The cakes for my birthday and the Christmas tree we put up together. THe television shows we watched like NCIS and Criminal minds. You teaching me to sew, and to paint, helping me with school projects and making sure I did my homework before video games. The way you would hug me and make sure I was safe. When I came out to you as bi, you didn't judge you simply accepted me even though I could tell you weren't exactly agreeing with it.
I can't express to you how much you mean to me grandma. I think about it all the time. You are everything to me. And I am going to miss you so much when you're gone.
Your adoring granddaughter. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Dear Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,
Thank you for putting up with my constant requests and mood swings. Thank you for making sure to brush your teeth before you see me and accepting my criticisms as my attempts to make our relationship work. Thank you for understanding that I can't stand physical contact and am closed off from you. Thank you for understanding I am not letting you in, that I'm not letting you emotionally close to me and that I literally cant. Thank you for accepting that we are probably going to break up, because I'm scared. Thank you for knowing that I care for you a great deal and that your love for me is killing me because I can't return it. Thank you for understanding that I don't hate kissing you because it's you but because I hate things in my face. Thank you for putting up with my insecurities and feeding me. Thank you for playing Dungeons and Dragons with me and not seeing me as a fuck up. Thank you for treating me kindly and loving me. Thank you for being with me and supporting me through everything. Thank you for being my rock when you know I can't be yours. Just. Thank you.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Dear mom, again.

Dear mom,
I had to do everything for college by myself. Every scholarship attempt every application, everything. The fafsa I did by myself, the interview, I did by myself. I drove to the town for the orientation, by myself. Do you know how painful that was? I had no support from you at all. Until Grandma and Grandpa stepped in and helped me I had no support at all. Nothing. Not once have you helped in college. You always sent someone else to come get me from the town for breaks. You didn't once care about it.
Now my sister is getting ready for college, applying for colleges and scholarships and the Fafsa. You did it for her. You helped her apply for the colleges, you helped her with the scholarships. You did her Fafsa for her when I could barely get your time of day to get your information. She just got a chance at a full ride scholarship at my college and you are doing everything to help her again. She goes for an interview on the third of February. Guess who is going with her? I had to go there. by. my. self. I understand different kids need different help but why?
Why couldn't I get your help even once? Why wouldn't you be proud of me? Why am I the fuck up? All I've ever done is worked my ass off to keep you happy. And you don't care. I don't even know why it surprises me anymore .I don't know why it hurts still. You wont ever care. You never have. So, dear mom, I am moving to Japan in the near foreseeable future, and I don't see you in my future after I move there. We will never speak again.
The child you say you wanted but you didn't. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Dear Mom.

Dear mom,
Did you know that I've watched you since I was born? I've loved you, even when I was getting punished for things I didn't do. I've always come crying to you and needed you in times when I was weak. Did you know, even when I was little and avoiding you, I still missed you terribly? Did you know I saw everything... including the favoritism.
Mom I love you. So much. Which is why it hurts. I know that. I can see it, she can see it, so can he. We all see it. All three siblings. We all see the way you look at my sister. The way you glow with pride at her. But my brother is the fuck up and I'm the mistake. Mom we all see it. We hear the way you say you love us. We know you do. But we also know you love her the most.
I know you say you wanted me. But I also know you hate my father. Why wouldn't you? he almost killed you, threw you in an asylum and almost killed me. But. Mom I know that you harbor resentment towards me because of him. I can see that too. You say it isn't there but I know that isn't true. You tell me all the time how great I am, when I'm crying. But you just attack me every time I try. You only ever see my failures unless I'm in tears. Do you know how much it hurts, to know I'm never going to make you proud? Do you know how much it burns me to realize my sister can do no wrong while I can do no right? I used to be the best at art of your kids. The thing we had in common, we shared it and loved it. But my sister became better. She could sing, and dance, and cook and clean and do pretty much everything. Her grades were great her work ethic spotless her body figure was perfect. There was not a flaw with my sister. While I had nothing but. My grades were crap, my work ethic iffy and my ability to cook non existent. I can always see it. When you smile at her. And when you punish 'us' its really just me.
You may not remember it mom. But I do, quiet well. When we got into a fight, my sister and I. You had walked in the door after a long day of work and you were already mad. SO you decided to yell at 'both of us'. You spent no less than twenty minutes, my brothers friend watched the clock, yelling at me. Yelling at how great my sister is and how I should be nice to her. Yelling at what an ungrateful brat I am and how much of a jerk and all the things you could think to find wrong with me. You yelled for no less than twenty minutes. And when you were done you looked at my sister. And you did not yell. You looked her dead in the face and said 'if you have a problem with your sister come to me. If your sister does something to you. Come to me." That was all you said to her. And you walked away. She had started the fight, she was an equal part of it. But you did not yell at her. Yes mom I noticed. I noticed when you had me do not only my dishes but hers and our brothers as well. I noticed when I was cleaning all of our rooms, taking care of all of our pets, doing all of our laundry. I noticed when you ignored me and took them to the movies. I noticed when I got punished for things they did. I noticed when you did not care that I was hurt but when anything small happened to her you lost your mind. I noticed when my punishments were always more extreme than theirs. I noticed it all. Every time you babied her and made me do the same thing you did for her by myself. I noticed everything.
But mom I still love you. And that is what hurts the most. I love you so much and I hate seeing you in tears and i hate seeing you hurt and I never want to hurt you. I could never hurt you. And that is what hurts the most. That I know... that I love you. That I can't live without you. That I don't want to see you die. That I cant stand the idea of not having you in my life. I feel the pain. Constantly. But I love you. Despite how much you don't want me. Despite how little you care that I exist or when I'm hurt. Despite how much you think of me as a disappointment. I can't hate you and I can't just walk away from you. I want to so bad and I can't.
Dear mom, you are the reason I am insecure. But I love you
Your child who is always watching.