Friday, September 1, 2017

Dear Me.

Dear Me,
What are you so afraid of? You have been hiding yourself away for years and years. Mask after mask has come off your face yet you still hide who you are. People try to get close but you have put yourself in a box. What is there to be afraid of? You have proven over and over again that you can handle whatever life throws at you. You make friends with ease and no matter what you are doing you always find people you belong with. Yet you never fully belong because you hold back.
You are starting to become your own weakness. SO dear self, its time to start trusting yourself. Time to start truly loving you.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Hi Mom

Dear Mom,

I've noticed the change. I know my siblings don't notice it, but they did not spend as much time with you growing up as I did. I noticed. You're trying. You're growing. You're realizing that you were emotionally distant from your kids as they grew.
We went hiking together and it was the first time you and I ever did anything together without ending up fighting. We have spent almost all summer together and this is the first time in my memory where we are actually getting along without fighting. What is more... you're telling me you're proud of me.
You're telling me I matter.... You never used to do that. You forgot. Yet you're doing it now. You're not yelling you're showing love and understanding. You were there for me when I was sick. You were there for me when I was hurt and you have been helping me get ready for my trip abroad. You have been listening to me and spending time with me.
Mom I want to say I love you. I have watched you deal with self struggle and watched you hurt me and others. I have watched you hurt yourself as much as you hurt me. I can honestly say that I love you. I have never not loved you. Yet I really really love you now. I finally feel like you love me back and I cry to think about how much I've wanted that. I've wanted my mother all my life and I finally feel like I have her. You are my rock right now and I love you so much. I finally had the courage to tell you that I had planned to move away and never speak to you again when we were hiking and you took it in stride. I don't want to do that anymore. I know I told you that but I mean it. Ever since you started to try to care. Ever since you started working on your own life and started realizing how distant you've been I could not love you more. I have always wanted to help you anyway I could but now I finally feel like I have a mother. The woman who was supposed to love me no matter what. I finally see that you care about me and it makes me feel so secure. It makes me feel so much better, like a weight is off my shoulders and I can finally breath freely. All I have ever wanted to do is make you proud and I feel like I finally am doing something and it makes me so happy


Your ever emotional daughter. 

Dear Society

Dear Society,

Thank you for calling me pretty. I love the compliments.
Thank you for liking my hair. I love my curls.
Thank you for liking my appearance. I like my body too.
Yet, what else do you like about me? Am I only a pretty girl? Is there nothing else that is admirable about me? Do I have no other redeeming trait in my life? I feel as if the only thing people like about me is my face. Part of me wishes that you would see more of me. Would think of something else to like about me besides how god made me physically.
Thank you for wanting me sexually, but is my body the only good thing about me?
If all you want is my body.... then wait till I die because soon my physically beauty will smother my personality and I doubt I'll survive it.


A girl wanting something more than an empty compliment. 

Friday, March 31, 2017

Dear Liberals

Dear Liberals,

I am a white, low income, Christian College student. Yes. I am. I am also Bi-sexual and Gender fluid as all hell. And I lean towards the Conservative Right with my views. I do not judge you for your views. I actually find your sweet and innocent views refreshing. However, they are just that, innocent. You work and operate under the assumption that everyone thinks and works like you. That if you just shove your views down everyone else's throat that the world will be a great place. That violence is only okay if it is for YOUR causes. And that is where I get upset. You're wrong.
I wish your world where there was no racism, no class difference, no war and no hate was real. Yet it isn't. And it never will be. Why? Because the reality is; human's aren't perfect. I am not saying I hate the people in the middle east and the ones on the No Fly list. I am simply saying that I don't trust them. The simple fact of the matter is I like my way of life, just like those and theirs like theirs. If they did not why would they be so against American intervention? Seriously? Don't tell me it is not true because it is. If they wanted the reform they would work WITH us to fix it. Yet Marine's and other soldiers are aware that if they leave their base alone the likely hood of them being tortured and killed are real. That their lives are at stake the second they leave their base, and even on it.
What makes me mad is that you want to allow people who hate America into our country. I am aware that not all of those people in those countries hate America. That has indeed crossed my mind. But what Also crossed my mind was the fact that those people should fight for their own freedom. If they don't like their country they should not leave. They should stay and fight to fix it, as you are fighting to fix your own. That is how you fix a country. You are exercising that exact model by sitting and bitching at me instead of leaving the country because you're un-happy. They should stand up and fight for themselves. If they would stop protecting the Radicals do you know how much faster the war could end?
They live in fear. I know this. Of course I do. I bet they are constantly threatened. Yet there is power in numbers. How often were we told that as a child? If you don't like something change it. And on that same note, that is what the Radicals are doing. They don't like us. So they are trying to fix us, by eradicating us. So Dear Liberals, I really love that you're trying to see everyone in a positive light but the reality is we are in a war and that we can't let our Enemies in just because we want to see the best in them and we feel bad for them. That is like presenting your back and asking to be stabbed. Every thing in nature screams at how stupid that is. Literally everything. It isn't natural to turn your backs on your enemies , or to under estimate them. At the end of the day if I'm choosing my own vs them, I'm always going to choose my people.

Someone who is tired of being called Narrow minded because I'm not seeing the world through rose colored glasses. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Why can't you trust? I know you don't. I know you were hurt in the past and we know all the problems you've had. We have rationalized with ourselves a million and ten times. So why can't you trust? You know you're fine. You know everyone is different. You have searched over things and realized you'll probably get hurt but all hurt fades. Except the eternal winter that you've put yourself in because you refuse to trust. So why won't you trust?

Better yet self, why won't you allow people physical contact? I know we know that hugs release a sense of happiness in the person. We know that physical contact helps with depression and anxiety as well as other things. So why are you having a hard time having physical contact with others? Why won't you allow others to come close to you? Is it the trust again? It must be.

Even more. Self, why don't you let people see you? You put on a smile and make everyone laugh but you never let them close. Is that the trust issues again? Of course it is. You complain that no one understands you but you drown your own voice and hide away from everyone. You are only hurting yourself. So why?

Dear Self,
Stop hurting yourself

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,
If it wasn't for you, I would have been stuck with a terrible name that no one would be able to read. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have grown up with manners and support. If you weren't around, I would have been fending for myself most of the time and probably have had a lot more trust issues than I do.
Grandma. You kept me safe when no one else would. You took care of me when my mother couldn't and helped me become a respectable adult. You punished me when I needed it, supported me, cared for me, loved me and most of all believed in me. You were always there for me grandma. The thought that you are getting old is killing me inside. The fact that I see you have a hard time moving makes me want to cry. All I want to do is make you proud. All I ever want to do is make you happy and make you smile. Your smile is like a ray of sunshine to me. I love you more than anyone else in this world. When the world turned its back on me, you hugged me close and helped me stand again. When I get neglected and forgotten you shine a light in my darkness and pull me from depression.
Grandma you are my rock. And the idea that I will soon be on my own, struggling against the world without you is killing me. I can barely breath while I write this. I know you're still here. You've always been there for me.
When I was little, you scared me. You were strict and always yelling at me. I was confused and scared. I had no idea why mom never wanted to spend time with me, why my brother didn't care and my grandfather didn't want me. Why my father wasn't around or why my only friend was a dog. I had no idea why my sister got to live a fantastic and rich life in Arizona, which is how it seemed to me at the time, and I didn't. Why you and I were always thrown together when we were clearly not getting along. I didn't understand. But I did understand one thing.
Every day. At noon for as long as my memory served you would watch sixty minutes, and after it was over, you would make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You gave up your living room for me to color and play in. You unplugged the Television in the summers and told me it was broken so I would play outside. You came to my sports games, when you hated sports, and every concert I was ever in. Every grade I graduated from you were there for me and you supported me. When I came home in tears you wiped them away and gave me comfort. When my mom was too busy trying to control my brother you were making sure I had everything I needed, maybe not what I wanted, but what I needed.
When I went to high school in a new town you supported me and even took in my dog because my mom wouldn't disregard her boyfriend and bring him even though we could. You were the one that held me and helped me when the dog I loved went missing a few months after the move. You were always there to set me straight and make sure I was fair to those around me. You taught me the importance of being nice.
When I graduated from high school you were the one who saw my outfit and smiled, even though the shirt had cussing and obscene comments on it and my makeup was outlandish. You were the one that supported me through all my mistakes, all my blunders and everything I've done. You've always been straight with me, helping me when I needed it and scolding me as well. You made me remember that my mother had her own stuff going on and that I shouldn't hate her. You kept the family together and were always there for everyone who needed you.
Grandma you were the reason I went to college. You wanted me to go to please my mother, but you sent me and I went because you wanted me to go. When I said I wanted to move to Japan, for good, to cut ties with my mother, you were the one who wanted to cry, I could see it. You didn't tell me no, however. You made me think about it realistically and make sure I knew what I was doing. You were always there, even when you didn't want me to go. When I went to college you missed me. And I missed you. I miss you. Every day. I sit in college now, and I call you as much as I can because I miss you so much. I miss your house and your hugs. The cookies you baked and the cocoa you gave me when I came in from snowmobiling. The cakes for my birthday and the Christmas tree we put up together. THe television shows we watched like NCIS and Criminal minds. You teaching me to sew, and to paint, helping me with school projects and making sure I did my homework before video games. The way you would hug me and make sure I was safe. When I came out to you as bi, you didn't judge you simply accepted me even though I could tell you weren't exactly agreeing with it.
I can't express to you how much you mean to me grandma. I think about it all the time. You are everything to me. And I am going to miss you so much when you're gone.
Your adoring granddaughter. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Dear Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,
Thank you for putting up with my constant requests and mood swings. Thank you for making sure to brush your teeth before you see me and accepting my criticisms as my attempts to make our relationship work. Thank you for understanding that I can't stand physical contact and am closed off from you. Thank you for understanding I am not letting you in, that I'm not letting you emotionally close to me and that I literally cant. Thank you for accepting that we are probably going to break up, because I'm scared. Thank you for knowing that I care for you a great deal and that your love for me is killing me because I can't return it. Thank you for understanding that I don't hate kissing you because it's you but because I hate things in my face. Thank you for putting up with my insecurities and feeding me. Thank you for playing Dungeons and Dragons with me and not seeing me as a fuck up. Thank you for treating me kindly and loving me. Thank you for being with me and supporting me through everything. Thank you for being my rock when you know I can't be yours. Just. Thank you.